fade

worrying about silly shit
stupid useless mindless shit
wondering if it will get any better than this
it really has to
supposed to
should
in time
worrying about that her out there
that her that eludes me
that she
without a name
a face for me to put a face to
wriggling out of wet clothes
cold and cold and cold
freezing for the moment
thinking of god and mice and rain
freezing a moment again
just right
sometimes
not always
drinking
but it is so very big
foaming at the mouth
not my mouth
yours
and the thought really scares me sometimes
like now
all rabid and canine and frothing
come scream with me
some place quiet until we get there
screaming
with nobody around to hear us
but us and you and me
and the fear that i feel inside
the fear that i feel inside of you
for a moment
fleeting
serene but still screaming
forgetting how to breathe sometimes
like now
gasping until my eyes hurt
just behind my sight
out of reach out of mind
out of you still screaming
hoping you'll stop
wondering if i've stopped since i started
when i started eludes me
for a moment
hugging the space in front of me
around the remains of that scream
that her
that she
that turns out to be nothing but noisy air
fading ghost
and smoke from where i thought you were
where i remembered seeing you hearing you last
smoke where you should be
coughing and gasping
remembering how to breathe
wishing i'd forget forever
because
because i still hope that the smoke will turn around
turn itself around
inside out
back about two minutes
and maybe this time
you'll be real.

words